No Looking Back
by ForeverH0pe
Summary: Set during the season three episode 'True Believer' - Nikita visits Alex in the infirmary. One-Shot.


**Hi Guys. **

**Since I've managed to get my other story, False Pretences updated on schedule, I decided to post this a little earlier. I had a request from a very good friend to write a little one shot about the episode 'True Believer'. We both decided that the episode in question really missed out on some good Alex/Nikita moments. If you haven't seen that episode, I will warn you that there is spoilers in this fanfiction. **

**It's a little short, and probably just a little bit pointless but was sweet to write none the less. Again, if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry, English is not my first language!**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Nikita or any of it's characters, it belongs to it's respective creators and writers, I just borrow them for your enjoyment and my writing addiction. _

**Enjoy. **

**X**

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_No Looking Back_

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A soft melodic beeping of machinery should have been of some comfort to Nikita, it's varying tone softly ringing through her ears and letting her listen to the rhythm of a heartbeat, it's pattern normal and strong. It should have filled her with a comfort of life signs, that her partners body was gently recuperating from it's sudden trauma. Perhaps it might have even filled her with relief, reminded her that things could have happened just a little differently and reminded her that she might not be here if they had.

As the dark-haired assassin gently made her way across the room, the familiar smell of disinfectant hit her. Her footsteps, as usual echoed around the infirmary and she let her eyes wander to the shelves surrounding her, medicine and cleaning products occupying most of their space. She had been here many times, both before and after the Division take over. It had been a room that she had learned to despise, too much heartache had been created in here. For once, she was hoping something good could come out of it too.

As she made her way slowly over towards the bed, she found her progress slowing. Her eyes fell upon it's recipient and her breath hitched in her throat, not because of the monitoring machinery attached to the small figure before her, but for the level of paleness that her partner's skin had taken on. Even as Alex lay before her, eyes open and staring melancholy upwards, her skin was a deathly shade of white. Nikita had to swallow the lump in her throat before she could speak and took the minute to look the girl before her up and down. Since she had let go of her hand, after they had rushed her into the building on a trolley, she had steered clear and let the medics do the best for the young Russian. Since then, she noticed that her arm had been placed into a sling and her bloodstained tank top had been swapped for one that was unnaturally bright white.

Alex blinked in, gently tearing her eyes away from the spot on the ceiling that she had been observing and reverted them in Nikita's direction, giving the woman before her a small smile. Nikita closed the gap between them, marvelling at how the girl before her could be smiling right now. She knew that it was a mask, to show her that she was alright.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" she whispered, taking up residence lightly on the edge of Alex's bed, careful not to shift her weight too far on and move the other girl, she knew how painful bullet wounds could be.

Alex grimaced as she moved herself away anyway, making space for the older woman. She propped herself up lightly as Nikita gently ran a hand down her cheek, brushing her long brunette locks backwards out of the way.

"Like I got shot." she whispered, her voice raspy. Nikita knew it was due to what the younger girl had just endured, right now she imagined the pain through her shoulder would have been excruciating. Alex would of course, refused any medication to help with the pain. Any amount of drugs held a risk of sending her back down the addicted route.

"I bet." Nikita whispered, gently letting her hand drop down and take Alex's in her own. She eyed the gauze on Alex's shoulder carefully, noting that the would had been a through and through. She was pleased to see that the medical team had done a great job, so much so that the bleeding had stopped completely.

"Alex, what happened back there?" Nikita whispered, she already knew, Alex had pushed her out of the way, taking a bullet for her in the process.

Alex rolled her eyes - here came the lecture.

"Why did you do it, why push me out of the way?" Nikita got straight to the point, as usual.

"Nikita, I..." Alex whispered. How could Nikita even be asking her this? The older woman already knew that she would lay down her life for her, through everything she had done, she would always push her out of the way. Even if it meant getting herself hurt, or worse. She knew that Nikita felt responsible for her, that she would do anything to see her be safe. For once, she just wished that the assassin would take a look around her, and see that other people felt the same way.

"Alex..."

"No, listen to me. If I hadn't have pushed you out of the way, if I'd let her take the shot. Nikita, it would have killed you. Her aim was perfect, she had a clearer shot on you than she did on me." She tried to make it sound like she had a plan, like she had evaluated the situation in her head before she acted. The truth was, she hadn't. There had been no time to think about what would happen, she just jumped on in anyway.

"You had no way of knowing that. Alex, you could have died in there." Nikita's voice was shaky and Alex could see tears forming behind her hazel eyes. The young Russian shook her head. She couldn't believe Nikita was doing this, she was sending herself on a guilt trip right now, she always did when someone close to her got hurt.

"But I didn't." she argued, cutting off Nikita's sentence before she had finished speaking. "I'm still here... Nikita look at me."

Nikita forced her eyes off the point of the bed she had found to stare at and met Alex's baby blues, desperately trying to keep her emotions in check – she was supposed to be the strong one, the girl before her had just been shot. For her.

"It didn't happen, no one died in there. Things could have been worse." Alex stated, trying to make the other woman see sense. She knew it wouldn't work, it never did. She was just scared of what the assassin would do next. Mia was a powerful agent, she had to be to manage to double-cross them. She was scared that if Nikita went looking for her, looking for revenge that all of this would be for nothing. She would let her emotions drive her into doing something she would regret, or get herself hurt in the process.

"I cant believe you're blaming yourself." she added, her voice slightly annoyed. The last thing she wanted to do was start an argument but the woman before her could be so frustrating at times.

"What do you want me to do Alex? Forget this happened?" Nikita whispered, her own voice low and slightly harsh, more for herself than the girl before her. Alex couldn't believe that she was blaming herself but Nikita couldn't believe Alex was being so calm about all of this.

"You want me to act as if this wasn't my fault? As if I couldn't have stopped this from happening? Alex, that would be a lie and we both know it." she growled, standing up from the bed and brushing a hand through her dark locks. Alex scanned her body language carefully, propping herself gently up on the pillows behind her so that she was a little more vertical. She ignored the stabbing pain down her arm and through her shoulder blade as she did so.

"Nikita, you couldn't have stopped this from happening. It was my choice, I took this bullet - For you." she sighed, the woman before her was just so stubborn!

"You shouldn't have had to, I should have been more focused on what Mia was doing, I should have taken down that guard myself." Nikita whispered, pacing herself up and down the infirmary.

"Then what? How were you supposed to know that he had a firearm, and that Mia would turn on us? We saved her life, both of us thought we could trust her. You had your hands tied, literally." Alex raised her tone a little, the raspy tone dissipating the more she spoke.

"I wasn't thinking, is that what you want to hear?" she added, "I didn't have a plan... I... I just couldn't lose you, Nikita I couldn't..." she whispered, a lump forming in her own throat. Nikita paused her pacing to look at the younger girl, a sudden feeling of guilt washing over her at the sight of tears in Alex's eyes. Gently making her way back over, she sat herself back down next to the other girl carefully.

"You think losing you would be any easier for me?" she whispered, losing her own emotional battle and kicking herself as her voice shook. The girl before her had just no idea of how much she meant to her. When she had lost her to Division, when she thought that Alex had turned against her, that she had hated her, life almost didn't seem worth living. She never wanted to have to go through that again. Now she had the image of her laying on a trolley, bleeding out as they rushed her through the building. She had desperately grasped the other girls hand, whilst trying to keep pressure on her bullet wound with the other. She had felt her slipping away and Alex had looked up at her before her eyes had closed, giving into her submissive battle of unconsciousness.

That's when Nikita had let go, let go of her hand so that she couldn't see the outcome, it was when she had left her life in the hands of the medics, for them to do all they could. She wasn't sure if she could face being in the same room if Alex had lost her battle...

"Nikita, hey. You're not losing anyone. Not today." Alex said quietly, reaching across with her good hand to lightly touch the other woman's arm, bringing her thoughts back to reality. She smiled gently, forgetting the pain for a moment to focus on the woman before her. Nikita reached up, placing a hand over her own. She didn't return the smile, not right away, Alex knew she would be battling with her demons for a while yet but still – it was a start.

"Alex. I..." Nikita felt herself choke up again, not so much for the fear of what had happened, for the sadness and guilt that gripped her, but because of the overwhelming loyalty that the younger girl was igniting. It was when she realised that she had everything she needed right here, maimed yet somehow stronger than ever.

"Save it..." Alex whispered quickly, cutting her off. It started now, now they had to look forwards and stop dwelling in the past. They had to look forwards for each other, for what other challenges they might face. She couldn't promise that if a situation ever arose where she could repeat her actions that she wouldn't do it all over again, but for now, she was safe next to the one person she really needed.

"Thank you..." Nikita whispered, placing her hand on the younger girl's cheek once more. Alex scooted a little closer to where the assassin sat, revelling in her company. She rested her head lightly against her mentors arm in a little, awkwardly positioned embrace. Nikita lightly smiled at the gesture, the corners of her mouth raising slightly. Alex felt warmed by the sight, the old Nikita would be back in no time, she just had to stop hanging on to what could have happened and accept that she wasn't the only one looking out for her partners safety. Alex would do it all again, over and over if she had to.

"Try and get some sleep." Nikita whispered, gently running her hand through the other girl's hair. Pulling away a little, she placed a soft kiss to the top of Alex's forehead in a gentle gesture.

Standing up from the bed, she looked down upon Alex with a different kind of fire in her eyes. Today had made her realise just what was left to fight for, just what was left at stake. No matter what happened, she would keep her safe in future.

"Nikita?" Alex asked quietly, stopping the other woman from walking away.

"What's wrong?" Nikita whispered, her voice holding it's softer tone.

"Stay... please?" Alex's voice was small, it made Nikita's heart quicken in pace. How could she possibly ignore a plea like that?

"Of course." she whispered, no questions asked. She settled herself back down on the edge of Alex's bed. She used to do this all the time when Alex was having nightmares, when the other girl needed her presence. She found that simply by being close to her, the young Russian would quieten and her breathing would become more relaxed and even. She smiled at the memory, some things just never changed.

Alex shuffled closer to her mentor, her friend, and laid her head against the assassin's warm arm. While she was here, Alex knew that everything would be alright, that she couldn't possibly do anything rash. Nikita could chase away any worry that she had, simply by being here with her. She closed her tired eyes slowly, letting her worn out body relax. The aches and pains of the day had come back to haunt her once more and it wasn't long before she lulled herself off to sleep, Nikita's soft breathing next to her reminding her that everything was as it should be and that they were here to fight another day – together.

Nikita attempted to make herself as comfortable as she possibly could, swinging her legs gently up onto the bed and sighing deeply. She still couldn't let this go, not until she confronted Mia for what she had done, but for now she would keep her promise. She was needed here, so here she would stay.

She smiled to herself, looking down upon Alex's sleeping frame, it was nice to see her peaceful. She had come so close to losing her today, so close. Now, as the young Russian slept, she looped her arm around Nikita's, almost as if to prevent her from leaving. Nikita didn't mind sleeping awkwardly, not really. It's not like she had never slummed it before, besides, if she had to she would stay here for eternity. All Alex had to do was ask.

For her, she would do anything – she was something worth dying over, and if it came to it, she would let the bullet come her way one last time.


End file.
